I can't reach orgasm

I can't orgasm during intercourse

How To Reach Orgasm

We've discussed a variety of sexual techniques, and now it's time to consider cunnilingus as a normal part of sexual activity leading to orgasm for the woman, something that can help a woman overcome her sense of "I can't orgasm" or "I can't reach orgasm during sex." Being able to reach orgasm during foreplay or cunnilingus helps a woman avoid feelings of sexual inadequacy, but she may find it much more difficult if she can't reach orgasm during intercourse. I think women who can't reach orgasm during intercourse often see this as a major sexual failure, without realizing that millions of other women (actually around 90% of women) can't do this either either!

If you're one of the huge majority of women who can't reach orgasm during intercourse, you have several options available to you: you can find a program of sexual skills which means you can reach orgasm during sex, or you can adopt a repertoire of sexual behaviors so the fact you can't come during sex is irrelevant to the overall framework of your sexual pleasure. Orgasm during intercourse is not necessarily the be-all and end-all of sexual pleasure, though many couples find it does help them feel connected and bonded after making love. I can see how coming during intercourse may be important for you if you are trying to achieve the ultimate climax during sex!

My partner said to me "I can't come during intercourse" after three years together in an otherwise very fulfilling sexual relationship: we worked on the issue by adopting a variety of the sexual skills and techniques described on this website, so that now she reliably reaches orgasm during intercourse or during foreplay as we choose. Adopting this flexible attitude means a woman can come when she chooses - during sexual intercourse or during cunnilingus or masturbation as an optional part of foreplay. We know other couples who have promoted cunnilingus from something you might do if you feel in the mood, something that is not essential to your sexual pleasure, to something that they see as absolutely essential to giving the female partner an orgasm, satisfying her sexually, so that for them "I can't come during sex" is no longer important. The question has become, rather, "How often can I come during sex"?

In this move away from the predominance of vaginal penetration as the key to sexual relationships between a couple there are other changes that follow.  Sex becomes a more equal experience, an experience that is not geared solely to the penetration of the woman by the man; it allows a man and woman to say: I can reach equality (and sexual equality is more important than performance); I can achieve respect and love (without feeling my sexual self-esteem is threatened if I don't make my partner come); and, I can't recall intercourse ever having been this good. Sex becomes an activity where the woman's pleasure becomes as important as the man's pleasure; and where the process of giving her that pleasure is rewarding for both partners.

If your partner is complaining "I can't come during sex", it's worth paying some attention to the sexual skills program on this website. Being able to achieve orgasm during intercourse may be more important to her than you realize. As you increase your sexual knowledge of each other's preferences, you can come to achieve better orgasms during sex or intercourse. And in case you have not already read our advice on foreplay, we'd like to remind you of the importance of good  communication and and mutual respect, and offer the suggestion that fantasy can be a good thing in a sexual relationship. How to reach orgasm.

One option for couples is to substitute cunnilingus or masturbation for penetration: you can come during sexual foreplay, which often means you cannot come during sexual intercourse.  Foreplay is now either cunnilingus, the purpose of which is to give the female partner an orgasm; n other words, cunnilingus (or masturbation) becomes the main event, rather than sexual intercourse.  There is of course no clear and absolute definition of what constitutes foreplay, but clearly there comes a time when you normally transition from foreplay into cunnilingus. Now, once you have started cunnilingus, you may wish to continue until the female partner comes. If so, you need to know how to do it effectively so that your partner reaches orgasm as reliably as possible.

Get the position right for good cunnilingus

The first point to note is that you need to be comfortable.  Many men who are giving their partner cunnilingus get wrapped up in the need to make her attain orgasm during sex at the expense of their own comfort.  This is a bad approach, because when you are conscious of your own discomfort, you won't be able to give your full attention to your partner, nor will you be able to appreciate the finer nuances of her sexual arousal, and you will not be sensitive to the changes of rhythm and pressure that may be necessary to bring her to orgasm. And if she can't come, there's no point trying this different approach. So the first essential is to be comfortable, and to select the right position for cunnilingus.

This will not include the 69 or soixante-neuf position. The 69 position is the stuff of fantasy, albeit highly enjoyable fantasy that may help her achieve orgasm whilst you're masturbating.  Or, perhaps, it is a part of your actual sexual experience where you have the highly enjoyable experience of having your partner go down on your penis whilst simultaneously offering her genitals to your to your gaze, or perhaps pressing them to your nose or mouth.  But it cannot give her an orgasm! For one thing you can't focus on her sexual pleasure at the same time as she is giving you fellatio.  Another, your full attention can never be on giving her an orgasm while you're in this sex position.  And lastly, your opportunity to move subtly and delicately across her genitals, and to use your fingers as an adjunct to your tongue, is severely restricted.  All in all, this position is best left to fantasy, or to those times when you want to play an exciting and arousing sexual game, not when the object is to bring her to orgasm. It would actually be better to try making her come through vaginal thrusting than the 69 version of oral sex, though most likely you can't make her come during sexual intercourse that way, either.

Another position very unsuitable for bringing her to orgasm through cunnilingus is any position which involves her sitting on your face, unless she is using your lips, nose, chin or some other part of your face as a way of masturbating herself by rubbing her clitoris against you. Once again, lying on your back under her weight,  you don't have the opportunity to make the subtle movements and adjustments of rhythm, pace and pressure that are necessary to bring her to orgasm.  It may be great fun for her to reach orgasm this way from time to time, but it is not the same as you bringing her to orgasm through skilful cunnilingus.

Another exciting position, often seen in porn films, is the one where the man kneels down in front of his partner and gives her cunnilingus she stands with her back against a wall.  This can be highly exciting, but it isn't likely that she will be able to reach orgasm in this position, unless she is extremely aroused. The correct way to learn how to give a woman an orgasm is the one seen in this picture, a position in which you will be comfortable and able to carry in for as long as it takes for your partner to reach orgasm.