Take your time! Women need much more time then men to get going.
Foreplay is really good sex in itself. Don't be afraid to make it so.
Sex takes energy and time. Make sure you've got both (if not, change your life!).
Oral sex always seems to be a brilliant option.
Be creative. What really does turn you on?
Don't be afraid to say "no." If you can say "no" to your lover, you'll be able to give him or her a much more enthusiastic "yes" when you're up for it next time.
Good foreplay is based on sensitivity. You need to be sensitive to your lover's needs, to what will turn them on, to what they want from your lovemaking. And this won't be the same each time you make love. But unless you're both burning with sexual desire, and happy to have a "quickie", it's almost certain there'll be a difference in how quickly you both get turned on and ready for intercourse.
Bear in mind that a woman's vagina can be moist and apparently well-lubricated long before she's psychologically ready for her man to enter her. The way to deal with this discrepancy is to have good foreplay.
We know that, on average, it takes between ten and twenty times as long for a woman to become aroused as it does for a man. This means that for the first twenty minutes or so of lovemaking, a man may be erect and ready to enter his partner, while she'll most likely just be warming up.
Women need time to get going, both physically and emotionally. Foreplay can be a time of slowly matching your rhythm to your partner's, but it can also be a time of play-fighting and teasing. Additionally, foreplay doesn't start with the first touch, or the first kiss, it might start with a phone call at lunch time or a shared knowing look. Women like to be wooed. Find out what your partner responds to: more time together, emotional closeness, or flirtatiousness, gifts, practical help or a bit of passionate disagreeing. Same for your man. OK, he might respond much quicker to your advances than you as a woman might to his, but feel free to seduce him anyway, even if he doesn't need to be. There's a good chance you'll both have a great time if you try!
I think part of why it takes women so long to get going is that women tend to always be multi-tasking. While juggling the washing and tomorrow's demands, it's easy for a woman to leave her body behind and not notice that she's feeling quite sexy. Women need some time to switch off all that noise in their heads! Men can help here by assuring women that they can relax and focus on the sexual experience they are enjoying at the moment, not on what needs to happen later, or tomorrow, or the day after.....
Additionally, it's really important that both of you can say no to the other's advances without fearing that there will be bad feelings or a week of silence and moodiness. Sex only works well if you don't feel pressurized into it, whether that's by your lover or yourself.
What good foreplay means to
you may be very different to what it means
to other couples, and indeed to you each
time you make love. Even so, good foreplay
always involves sensitivity, kissing,
touching, and establishing a close rapport
with your partner.
As a general rule, be curious about how many different ways the two of you can find to get going. Even if one approach works some of the time, it may well get really boring really quickly if that's all you do! And men, remember women are fairly visual too, so look after your body, all of it, not just your favorite bit, because there's a good chance that looking at your body will turn her on.
Touch and kissing
Men
are just as sensitive to touch on their skin
as women are, but a couple's foreplay will
very often center on the man touching the
woman. If this is how it usually works for
you, it's important to remember that most
women resent a man heading straight for
their breasts or vulva. It's only
through gentle touch on her non-sexual areas
that a woman will become aware of her desire
to be touched sexually.
If you're kissing, remember that most women see kissing as an extremely romantic act. But kissing doesn't have to be limited to the mouth. There's great fun to be had in finding out which areas of your partner's body are most sensitive to your lips and tongue. For example, try kissing your lover's stomach, back, shoulders or feet. You can gradually work round to kissing each other on or near the penis, testicles and vulva – but in the latter case only when she's sexually aroused.
Of course, I can understand if men get fed up with doing all the active bits in foreplay all the time. Don't be afraid to ask your partner to touch you, perhaps even for a slow, sensuous, full-body massage. Take your time to enjoy it. This could also be a great way for men to lose their performance anxiety and other pressures around sex.
Kissing a woman's breasts is
likely to be very arousing for her – many women say it feels as if there's a
direct connection between their nipples and
their clitoris! Once again, however,
sensitivity and gentleness are appropriate
in the early stages of your lovemaking. You
can use a firmer pressure and touch as you
both become more aroused. And it's always
important to remember that a woman will
probably want the warm embrace of her
lover's mouth on her clitoris only when
she's getting quite aroused: in the early
stages of sex, a direct touch on her
clitoris can be too intense to be
pleasurable. As a man, your focus should
initially be on gentle caresses of your
partner's labia, thighs, stomach, and pubic
mound, but always adapted to what you know
she enjoys the most.
One can't repeat that enough: women need to be touched all over first. Don't go for the sexual parts of her body first, there's a good chance that she'll just get turned off by it. Sexual parts also include breasts. Take your time before you touch them. Many women feel quite vulnerable when it comes to their breasts (too big, too small, too floppy), so give your lover some time to settle into the sense of arousal in her body first.
Men enjoy sexual play that focuses on their penis, whereas women are more body-centered. It's therefore natural for a man to assume that his partner will appreciate attention to her vulva and clitoris, and while this may well be true, she'll also appreciate his attention to her breasts, thighs, buttocks, stomach, neck and especially the area around her anus and vulva, which can be exquisitely sensitive to sexual stimulation. When you stroke a woman, go with a variety of touch from stroking all of her body, to a firm, full-on body squeeze, to licking, kissing, eye contact and verbal communication.
Since bacteria from the anus can be easily introduced into the vagina, if you do enjoy anal play, it's wise to ensure that you use different toys or fingers for anal and vaginal contact, whether or not this involves penetration. However, be careful around bacteria and anal play. Most women will be very protective around their body entrances and it'll certainly be on her mind where your hand or finger has just been, even if it's not on your mind. I'd rather suggest being a bit over-cautious here, rather than just assuming it's OK. Make sure she knows that you are mindful of this, otherwise this could be the end of your sexual encounter.
Communication
Good communication is
essential for good sex.
Unfortunately, many couples find it
difficult to express their wishes desires
during sex. Yet, in this most intimate of
acts, expressing what you like and don't
like is vital to achieving sexual pleasure.
A good way to communicate is
to gently guide your partner by giving them
positive feedback when they're doing
something you enjoy. For example, if you're
a woman enjoying oral sex from your man, but
he's not touching you where you'd really
like to be touched, you can say something
like, "That feels good, but I like it even
more when you kiss around my vagina. And it
feels even better when you keep moving your
tongue all over rather than just focusing on
my clit."
Above
all, try to avoid saying anything that
sounds critical to your partner – he or she'll be working
hard to please you, and even if they're not
doing it the way you want, the only way
they'll know how you like it is if you tell
them. Of course, if you prefer, you can
communicate this without saying anything
simply by moving your body. For example, if
you're a woman enjoying the sensations as
your lover gives you oral sex or masturbates
you, and you don't want to speak, try
pressing your vulva more closely against his
mouth or fingers, or giving a moan of
enthusiasm and pleasure – all these things
will tell him what he needs to know.
In short, communication is everything. Quite often women need to be much clearer about what they want, as their sexual responses are more complicated and unpredictable than men's. Women: there is a good chance that your lover is really wanting to please you, but simply doesn't know how, because he can't read your mind. Don't leave him in the dark!
As a man you may be frustrated by the fact that your partner doesn't always reach orgasm. You may even feel like a failure, or somehow think that it's your fault. In fact there's no need to feel this way, for in reality many women don't know before sex whether or not they'll be able to reach orgasm.
This probably seems very strange to a man, who is almost always going to be able to come – sometimes without much stimulation at all! But there's nothing unusual about this. A woman's sexual response is much more dependent on her emotions, thoughts and feelings that her partner's is likely to be. Women, for example, are often shocked to find that their partner expects sex after an argument. For a woman, feeling emotionally connected to her partner, feeling loved and cherished, and being able to relax, are all important elements of reaching orgasm.
In one survey which we conducted, two-thirds of women said they had faked an orgasm or lied about having one - usually so their partner didn't feel bad! While it's understandable that one partner should want to avoid hurting the other's feelings, this isn't as useful as open and honest communication would be. As a woman, it's probably better to say that you couldn't reach orgasm and then tell your partner how you feel about this than to see it as something from which you have to protect him. Another good idea is to have a discussion about what might help you reach orgasm the next time you have sex, while being honest about the things you liked and didn't like about your lovemaking.
Sadly, sometimes foreplay can seem boring, perhaps even tedious, to a man. The truth is that if you're able to focus on giving your partner sexual pleasure and your intention is to arouse her, you'll find that her arousal will feed back to you and make you even more aroused. This will eventually lead to a fantastic orgasm rather than just a good one when you do eventually come inside her.
If you don't enjoy foreplay, ask yourself why. If it is boring or hard work for you then something is wrong with the way you are going about it, rather than foreplay itself. Mostly, sex and foreplay become boring when they are repetitive and always the same. Try something new instead or talk to your lover what you might rather do instead. Keeping foreplay interesting might not be as easy as it sounds, but it's essential for sex to stay exciting.
One of the great pleasures of foreplay is being able to enjoy sensuous skin-to-skin contact with your partner. Take the time to look at each other too, for the visual stimulation of each other's naked bodies can be a real turn-on. Savor your kisses, and take things slowly. This can be especially important for men, who may become so aroused that they desperately wish to move straight to penetration and ejaculation. But the longer you extend your foreplay, the greater the volume of semen you'll produce when you do eventually ejaculate, and this in turn will make your orgasm and ejaculation feel much more powerful and satisfying. Some delaying and waiting can be rather sexy, don't you think?
There are no set rules about foreplay. The normal ebb and flow of sex can lead you naturally from one type of foreplay to another. For example, undressing each other may be a matter of urgency on the way to the bedroom, or it may be a slow sensuous process which extends throughout your foreplay. Similarly, kissing can be something you enjoy at any time during foreplay. By the way, it's always important to be comfortable, so shifting position every so often to avoid a crick in the neck or any aching limbs is a very good idea.
Feel free to take the pressure off. When you go with the flow, foreplay may not always develop into penetration. It will adjust itself to what feels right between the two of you at that point. It allows you to be really present rather than having to perform. If you are really keen your ardor will communicate itself to your partner. Sometimes things might not work out the way you want them to, but there will be other times when you think that sex couldn't get any better. If there are regular issues between you and your partner when it comes to sex, talk about them!
By introducing new and different pleasures into your foreplay, you can help to keep your sex life fresh and exciting. This may be as simple as kissing your partner's feet, or it may involve giving him or her a massage. You may want to try using sex toys, dressing up in sexy clothes or acting out your secret fantasies and desires in the safety of your bedroom. This is a great way of acting out fantasies that you might not be able to bring into the real world. But if you are exploring your sexual fantasies with each other, remember that trust is an important element of a loving relationship, and take care to respect whatever your partner reveals to you about their secret sexual desires.
As we said before, sensitivity is essential to successful sex. Knowing what your partner likes, understanding what's important to them, and being able to explain to your partner what you like in a way that's neither critical nor demanding is essential to a good sex life. For the most enjoyable sex, it's important that a woman feels loved and cherished, and kissing each other either gently or passionately, as the mood dictates, and saying romantic and loving words to each other, will all contribute to a better sexual experience for you both.
We tend to think of sex as an experience that involves penetration and penile thrusting. But there are plenty of other ways that a man and woman can achieve sexual intimacy and fulfillment. For example, intimate touching and caressing is a very bonding experience, and plenty of touching before the moment of penetration can increase both partners' arousal so that when they do reach orgasm it's more powerful and satisfying. As a general rule, men become aroused much more quickly than women, and it's easy for a man to overlook a woman's need for intimate touch. A man should think of a woman's whole body as an erogenous zone or a sexually sensitive organ. In this way, he'll avoid focusing too much on her vulva until she's sufficiently aroused to enjoy this touch.