There's a very simple difference at the root of all sexual incompatibility between men and women: men are quick to arouse, quick to come, and quick to return to an unaroused state after sex. Women, by contrast, are slow to arouse and need consistent, rhythmic stimulation to reach orgasm; they also take much longer to return to an unaroused state after sex.
In that simple sentence lies a wealth of anxiety, resentment, lack of understanding and sexual frustration. One answer would be for men to learn to extend the time between penetration and ejaculation to - well, what? Would twenty minutes of thrusting be enough for most women to reach orgasm? Would it take even more thrusting? If you're a woman, how long do you think it would take you to come during vaginal sex if your man could last indefinitely? Of course the answer to this question partly depends on how aroused you are before intercourse begins, but you probably know that even prolonged intercourse might not bring you to orgasm. After all, you have lived inside your body for long enough to know that its sexual responsivity, and in particular its ability to reach orgasm, is sometimes tentative, sometimes elusive, and certainly something of a mystery to the man in your life.
The sad and simple, but unavoidable, truth is that the vast majority of men are never going to be able to hold back their ejaculation - even if they had the motivation to try and do so - for long enough to allow their female partner to reach orgasm during intercourse, supposing she was able to do so without clitoral stimulation.
But the really good news is that this does not mean we are all condemned to a life of sexual incompatibility, misunderstanding, and frustration. On the contrary, when you use the program which we set out on this website you will find that sexual harmony is easier to achieve than you ever dreamed possible - and that orgasm is freely and easily available during sex for both men and women, and that both partners can be fully satisfied and more closely bonded than you ever thought possible!
One key factor here is that men lose interest in sex for some time after they have ejaculated. This is called the refractory period, and it lasts for a greater or lesser period of time. In a young horny man, it might only be a few minutes before he wants to come again. But a man in his 30s or 40s or beyond may want to ejaculate only once in a session of lovemaking. If it's important to both members of the couple that ejaculation takes place whilst the man is inside his partner, then the obvious conclusion is that it's extremely important for the woman to have had an orgasm before intercourse begins. And there lies the secret of sexual satisfaction: the female partner should have an orgasm before intercourse begins and the man penetrates her.
Then, and only then, do both partners enjoy the intimate embrace of penetration, vaginal thrusting and the man's ejaculation in the most loving and connected way possible.
When you talk to women who have experienced this style of sexual connection - which we'll explain in much more detail in a moment - you find a remarkable thing: that even though the woman has already enjoyed her orgasm, because she is still aroused she is more receptive to and appreciative of her lover's embrace, to penetration, and to the intimate connection of vaginal intercourse than she would be if her partner penetrated her before she had had an orgasm!
And indeed, after her orgasm, a woman's vaginal tissues are swollen, warm and lubricated, ready to embrace her partner's penis in a way that is both more enjoyable and more sensuous for the man than it would be if his partner was not fully aroused.
This is a win-win situation: she gets her orgasm, and the pleasure of penetration; he gets the excitement of bringing her to orgasm, followed by the intensely pleasurable satisfaction of making love to her while she is highly aroused. This feels very loving to both partners and satisfies the woman's need to feel her partner's penis inside her.
So the obvious question: how is this delightful result to be achieved? The answer is very simple: through the sexual technique that most women describe as their favorite sexual experience with their partner - cunnilingus, or oral sex given by the man to the woman.
You may not up to now have thought of oral sex as a route to mutual sexual satisfaction. After all, it mostly takes the form of a part of foreplay, something that we do en route to the main event, rather than an end in itself. But to see cunnilingus as only a part of foreplay is to belittle its importance (or, at the least, its potential importance) in most couples' sexual relationship.
One of the more interesting questions in the VulvaVelvet.org survey regarding orgasm centered on cunnilingus - the licking, sucking or kissing of a woman's clitoris, labia and vulva by her partner. In response to the question "How often do you reach orgasm during cunnilingus?":
30% of women said they came
"often"
28% of women said they came "sometimes"
17% of women came "rarely" and
25% of women never came through cunnilingus.
Interestingly, 2.5% of women said they had never had cunnilingus, and another 12.4% didn't answer the question, which suggests that they hadn't tried cunnilingus either. The major complaint amongst those who didn't come during cunnilingus was that it often was not prolonged enough for them to reach orgasm, and that their partner did not understand the need to make it a more extended part of lovemaking. Most women really loved cunnilingus, stating that they felt very accepted and loved when someone performed such an intimate act for them.
The amazing thing is that in survey after survey far and away the majority of women report cunnilingus as their favored sexual activity. This may be a blow to the male ego, although the sad fact is that most men are all too well aware that the speed with which they ejaculate leaves their partner unsatisfied and frustrated, and they feel diminished by their inability to thrust in her vagina for long enough to bring her to orgasm.
Of course there are alternatives to giving the woman an orgasm through cunnilingus. You may have used your fingers to stimulate her clitoris during intercourse. But the problem with that approach is that there are many highly enjoyable sexual positions in which it is impossible to reach a woman's clitoris or to give it the kind of attention that results in her having an orgasm. For most women, the stimulation of the clitoris which results in orgasm tends to be rhythmic, gentle, finely tuned and well lubricated: all qualities that are difficult to achieve during intercourse, especially if your bodies are in close proximity - which is how they are in most of the sex positions used by most people most of the time, the sex positions which also happen to be the most enjoyable ones.
A vibrator can be helpful in bringing a woman to orgasm during intercourse, but basically the same objections apply as to the use of your fingers during intercourse: sometimes it's hard to get a vibrator into the right place; it can certainly be a distraction; and somehow it tends to remove the intimacy of sex because the focus shifts from your sexual connection to the mechanical operation of the vibrator, and to making sure it's in the right place and vibrating at the right speed.
In short, when a couple use masturbation or a vibrator during intercourse to try and help the woman have an orgasm, the end result can be something that more resembles two people masturbating than a couple making love. Now, of course, there's nothing wrong with that if you find the idea exciting. But ask yourself: do you want this feeling every time you make love? Probably not, because sex can be so much more: at its most powerful, sex is the union of two people who are fully focused on the experience of loving each other. How much better to gaze lovingly into each other's eyes as you make love, enjoying intercourse without having to worry about whether the batteries are going to pop out of the vibrator!
Which brings us right back to how most of us tend to enjoy sex: foreplay followed by orgasm. Generally, cunnilingus and fellatio, and masturbation, are brief precursors to the main event, a part of foreplay before we get down to sex proper: intercourse! But while this approach guarantees the man will have an orgasm, it leaves the woman high and dry. So how about changing this for a revolutionary idea: the man gives his partner an orgasm through cunnilingus (or masturbation) before sexual intercourse starts. Preferably through cunnilingus in fact, for, as we have already stated, in survey after survey, the huge majority of women report cunnilingus as being their favorite sexual activity, the thing that brings them off most easily, and the thing that leads to the most intense orgasms!
You might wonder what's wrong with masturbation. In principle, nothing. But in reality, there is a problem, and it's this: a woman masturbating herself knows well indeed what touches she likes, and where to touch herself; she knows when to speed up her movements to bring herself off, and she knows better than anyone else what degree of vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation together will be most effective in bringing her to orgasm. But if you're a woman, you have to appreciate your partner knows none of this. His experience of masturbation is that a rapid rhythmic and hard stimulation to his penis will produce a very satisfying orgasm. That's how it's always been! He's never had the problem of an elusive orgasm is slipping away at the last minute. He's never had the problem of not being able to get aroused when he plays with his penis. In general, there is a simple relationship between sexual arousal and the desire for ejaculation in men, and the achievement of that end is simple, straightforward and relatively quick!
It's probably these differences which lead so many men to feel frustrated when they try and stimulate their partner to orgasm through masturbation. Of course, it's only natural that a man would use the same approach and techniques on a woman's clitoris as he would on his own penis; after all, that is how he learnt to masturbate and get great pleasure from his penis!
So, can men learn to masturbate their partners as efficiently as they masturbate themselves? We think there are several reasons why this is not easy. The first is that what a woman's clitoris requires during masturbation changes in very subtle ways: this is not at all like the stimulation required by a man's penis to reach orgasm. Yes, of course, a woman can try and explain to her partner the kind stimulation that would allow her to reach orgasm. Yes, of course, a man can try and put these moves into effect. But the simple fact is that it is a lot harder for a man to successfully masturbate a woman, than it is for a man to masturbate himself or for a woman to masturbate him.
And so we are left with the dilemma of how a man is to give a woman complete sexual satisfaction reliably. Fortunately, the answer is simple: cunnilingus offers the perfect solution for a couple who wish to ensure that the woman has orgasms regularly, that the man enjoys giving them to her, and that the woman's sexual pleasure can be followed by intercourse, which is then pleasurable for both the man and the woman, no matter how long or short a time it lasts.
Go to chapter 2 - having orgasms during sex